Back at the Ranch

CMT news?

2006-04-22T19:30:00.000-06:00

Hey, I'm back. I was thinking for awhile of shooting myself in the head, or at least stop blogging, but then I saw this. Van Morrison on my Country Music News? Hey ain't country. I mean his latest "Pay the Devil", on the Lost Highway label - good title, but... Listen, there really are only a few kinds true country. You got truckers, shuckers and motherfuckers. Van Morrison? His brother Jim was more country:

Riders on the storm
Into this house we’re born
Into this world we’re thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm

There’s a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin’ like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die
Killer on the road, yeah

Girl ya gotta love your man
Girl ya gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we’re born
Into this world we’re thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm

Conway said, “A good country song takes a page out of somebody's life and puts it to music.”

I guess VM did write a song about a horse:

Slim slow slider
Horse you ride
White as snow
Slim slow slider
Horse you ride
Is white as snow
Tell it everywhere you go
Saw you walking
Down by Ladbroke Grove this morning
Saw you walking
Down by Ladbroke Grove this morning
Catching pebbles for some sandy beach
You're out of reach
Saw you early this morning
With your brand new boy and your Cadillac
Saw you early this morning
With your brand new boy and your Cadillac
You're gone for something
And I know you won't be back
I know you're dying, baby
And I know you know it, too
I know you're dying
And I know you know it, too
Everytime I see you
I just don't know what to do

Actually I don't know what the hell that's about. Now here is a song that tells a story:

Uh, Breaker One-Nine, this here's the Rubber Duck
You got a copy on me Pig-Pen? C'mon

Uh, yeah 10-4 Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure
By golly it's clean clear to Flag-Town, C'mon

Uh, yeah, that's a big 10-4 Pig-Pen,
Yeah, we definitely got us the front door good buddy,
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy

Was the dark of the moon, on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth, pullin' logs
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We 'as headin' fer bear on I-One-Oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky-Town
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
An' I'm about to put the hammer on down

Cause we gotta little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, breaker Pig-Pen, this here's The Duck
Uh, you wanna back off them hogs
10-4, 'bout five mile or so, 10-roger
Them hogs is gittin' in-tense up here

By the time we got into Tulsa-Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a road block up on the clover leaf
An' them bears 'as wall to wall
Yeah them smokies 'as thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear-in-the-air
I sez callin' all trucks, this here's The Duck
We about to go a huntin' bear

Cause we gotta great big convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta great big convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that Pig-Pen?
Uh, negatory Pig-Pen, yer still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten

Well we rolled up interstate fourty-four
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all a our swindle sheets
An' left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Chi-Town
Them bears was a gittin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois National Guard
There 'as armored cars, and tanks, and Jeeps
An' rigs of every size
Yeah them chicken coops 'as full a bears
An' choppers filled the skies
Well we shot the line, an' we went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long-haired friends of Jesus
In a chartreusse microbus

Hey Sod Buster, listen
You wanna put that microbus in behind the suicide jockey?
Yeah, he's haulin dynamite
He needs all the help he can git

Well we laid a strip fer the Jersey Shore
An' prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge 'as lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the gate doin' ninety-eight
I sez, let them truckers roll, 10-4

Cause we gotta mighty convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta mighty convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, 10-4 Pig-Pen, what's yer 20?
Omaha?!
Well they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there fer sure
Well mercy sakes alive good buddy
We gonna back on outta here
So keep the bugs off yer glass
An' the bears off yer... tail
We gonna catch ya on the flip-flop
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side
We gone
Bye, Bye...

Notice the word "git". That's authentic.

Still More Tanya

2005-10-23T14:32:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I was flippin' channels last night. I'm back at the Ranch now - turistas started rambling back into New Orleans, so I thought it was time to leave. A guy can only stand so much T&A - and I ran outta beads. Anywho, this show "Tuckerville" was on - Tanya Tucker's got herself a reality show. She's put on a few pounds, but the only reason I haven't is the heroin. I was thinking of getting a reality show awhile back, but my life ain't real. And everyone's getting one now. I mean Brittany Spears?! Gawd, I caught part of that - she was talking about love. What does she know about love? Hulk Hogan? He seems pretty grumpy for a rich guy.

HERE is a video preview if you like. I have some "home movies" of us from a LONG time ago - I think I'd get sued if I posted them.

N.A. in N.O.

2005-09-19T09:49:00.000-06:00

Hello y'all. I'm in the District drinking it up with the locals. As soon as I heard about Katrina I was on my way to do my part. That is helping the local economy by spending $ in the bars. I had me a gal named Katrina once and I know what kind of damage they can do. I don't know if this'll post - on some sort of satelite gizmo an "undisclosed" reporter gave me access too...I'm now drinkin' a julep for Meow Meow. SEND MINT!!

Gregory Despres

2005-06-08T14:37:00.000-06:00

Gregory Despres
Originally uploaded by whitsun001.

Here's that freak.

Boots

2005-06-08T08:53:00.000-06:00

Country Singer Fred Fulton beheaded. Click Here for article. I didn't know Fulton guy personally, but he was a brother-in-arms. I hope those Mounties give that Despres some hell, or send him there on an express.

The Hit Shit Fan

2005-03-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Goddammed fascists! Yeah, I'm drunk, but you can eat my a-hole. I try not to get political, but this W Admin is just getting too far out. Now people are killing judges. I'm not saying there's a connection, but shit. There are connections everywhere and everything is connected. I gave up the "manifesto" years ago - that Unibomber ruined everything and I got tired of the damn shed. You know they're just trying to screw us all, don't you? Manufacture a crises - create this massive deficit and then take away all our bennies. Give to the rich! Eat the Middle Class! Rights?! Shit. I can't sleep tonight! Is it a full moon? That Rummie ain't a werewolf, but I ain't so sure he ain't a freakin' zombie! Undead fascists! Who'd you sell your souls to?

More Tanya

2005-03-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the thousands of letters and cards. I admit I was out of sorts since hearing that Hunter S. was gone, but shit, I'll go the same way when the time comes if I have a choice. Let the wolves and buzzards have at me.

I recently heard that a former flame of mine, Tanya Tucker (see previous post) had to file a protection order against her former fiance, Jerry Laseter. He denied the allegations Friday, saying he never hit her nor had he ever been physically abusive in any way. She said in a written statement that she was awakened when Laseter poured "ice cold water on me and started yelling at me." She said he started poking her in the chest and grabbed her by the throat. A sheriff's deputy was called to the scene, but Tucker did not want to file charges. Tucker locked herself in a bathroom, and Laseter kicked in the door, according to the deputy's report.

Now I don't condone this stuff, but what the hell? Did he pull her hair too? You don't choke a lady, idiot! What kind of man are you? You better hope I don't run into you in a dark alley.

Hunter S.

2005-02-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Goodnight Hunter S. It was fun while it lasted.

Moonshine

2005-01-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

I ain't going to give my recipe here, that's for sure, but I will say this current batch is the best. I spent the better part of an afternoon butchering a hog - it was cold out but the inards and hard work keep you warm - nothing quite like the feeling of gutting a fresh kill, that's for sure - it ain't pretty, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I got the thing packed up, grilled up a few chops with a fine glaze - some shine in it for sure. When I cut into Charley - I knicked a bit into my thumb, but the shine cleaned that up too. Then after dinner, I went out to the woodfire hot tub and drank a bit in with some coffee. All the sweat and blood washing off me as I looked into the clear sky here at the Sun Whit Ranch. Just me and the old Moon and the shine. I heard some coyotes; they probably smell the hog. They won't be getting in the shed though - I ain't worried about that none. Ole, my wolf/shepherd mix, will see to that. They'll probably dig in the pit for awhile - they can have at it. I share the wealth.

Mother Nature is the only woman I've ever loved. It's a tough love, but I wouldn't have it anyother way.

Reba

2005-01-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget the time I walked in on Reba McEntire and Patrick Stewart backstage at the Tonight Show. She was rubbing his bald head and he had his face buried betwixt her twins. "Oh, 'scuse me," I mumbled, "I got the wrong room." I spilled half a glass of something-or-other on the floor and made for the door. As it shut I heard him say, "Make it so, Reba! Make it so!" I never did make it onto the stage - I passed out on a fire exit.

The National Enquirer had a field day, "Whitsun Wasted"...I did like that title and used it on an album. They tried to sue me - kind of a switch, them doing the suing - but I won. My lawyer, Robert Knowsel was a wunderkind - he was like 12 years old or something. Born to get stars and celbs out of fines and doing time. He saved my wrinkly, old ass more than once. He found this old bar napkin with my writing on it, the words "Whitsun Wasted". Somehow he used it to prove I thought of the title long before the Enquirer did - carbon dating or something - hell if I know. He counter-sued and I won a million or so smackeroos.

I'm not sure where Robert Knowsel is right now, but he's always there when I need him. I haven't shot anyone for a long time now, so that's good...

New Album?

2005-01-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

"So when's your new album comin' out anyways? (And not another 'greatest hits' compilation, dick!) Come on, get off yer green lazy ass and get us some vinyl!"

- A Fan

Hey, A Fan. You sure that shouldn't be "A-hole fan"? Just kiddin' - although you did call me "dick". Every now and then Phil Hunter visits the ranch and we work on a song or two. I still have something to say and you just might hear it one of these days. Be patient - go find yourself a hill to meditate on or something.

Yodelling

2005-01-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

Yo-del-lay-ee-hoo!

Tanya

2005-01-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Man, that Tanya Tucker still looks good! I was checking her latest out and it got me to thinking...A long time ago when she was really young and had that smokey look in her eyes beyond her years, we were horseback riding at Hank Williams Sr.'s. There is nothing like riding a horse on a nice Summer day to get you all horned up, that's for sure. So after an hour of so of hard riding, taking turns chasing each other over the hills and through the trees, we stopped to let the horses take a drink - I needed one too. I always have a flask full of Jack handy, so I pulled that out. She took some pills with one hell of a swig and I knew the riding wasn't done. I slapped the horses to shew 'em - I have this thing about animals watching me having sex, it's creepy. Anywho, I grabbed her pill bottle and took a few myself, (she had the best doctors in more ways than three). We drained the flask then and there and I put my arms around her and held her close. We looked into each other's eyes for a little bit and then we went to toungue wranglin'. I ripped off her blouse and she tore open my shirt, the drugs and Jack started kicking in and I don't know what the hell happened to our pants. I do remember she never wore underwear, so she didn't have to keep track of them - some time back I gave up my collection anyway, what the hell am I going to do with all that women's underwear from my various conquests? A notch on the belt is cliched, but what the hell? I could'a made a killing if there was such a thing as Ebay back then. We tussled and wrestled. She bit and scratched. Who knows exactly what we did or how long we did it or how many times; we passed out at some point.

It must've been a few hours passed when I came to, and there was that damn horse of mine laughing his ass off, pissing in my boot. That Shitter. That was his name and he deserved it. Tanya was in the creek cleaning herself off. We all had a good laugh and then after finding our clothes we went back to Hank's to get baked. I had the best damned fried potatoes you ever tasted and some ham smokier than Tanya's eyes. I can taste the ham and her lips right now, like it was yesterday.

I don't have any scars from that day. Not on the outside anyway. Damn that girl could party...Did I write a song about her? Who didn't?

Ass

2005-01-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

You know, they make such a big damn deal about how much the black man loves the bootie. Hell, do they have a copyright on that? I don't think so! I love a big ass as much as the next guy. I never met a guy; black, brown, grey, orange or yellow that didn't love some "skin on the bones". What the hell am I supposed to do with a scrawny assed, bones-stickin-outta-the-ribs, woman anywho? Snap her like a stick when I try to kiss her? Gimme a break! A skinny girl probably can't cook either. Two strikes and in my book you're out! Maybe some guys like a trophy wife, but you know damn well what they have on the side - real meat! Something you can sink your teeth into. CHOMP! Yeah, I'm drunk. So what?!

Blogs: Changing Things

2005-01-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

They are saying that blogs made a difference in the last election and they are all this and that. I think you would agree, my blog ain't changin' diddley! You know why they called Bo Diddley? I don't.

Virtual Reality

2005-01-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. If I want to do something, I go and do it. I don't need to play some character in a game that does something or whatever. We're getting fatter and fatter. Hey kids, get off your asses! Go out and have some fun. I am not a role model, nor do I wish to be one, but jeez, come on folks. If I hear one more news story about fat kids that sit and play video games and eat pork rinds and drink soda all day, I'm gonna move to the shack and start up my manifesto again!

Some of these Far-Out-Christian-Types want kids to sit and do nothing, then wonder why they're fat. Shit, let 'em run their asses off after chasin' tail and doin' it like bunnies all day - that's what I did. Yeah, I know, wear a condom boys! Even if she says she's on the pill, how do you know? That and you are having sex with everyone she did in the past seven years. Just think, I might have had sex with her...that should put the fear-o'-god in ya! (I'm mixing metaphors here or something - I'm drunk)

And in my day, we had to work! Damn you are all getting soft. I've been working my fingers to the bone since I was 5 choppin' wood all day for my dad. If I didn't do it I got chased around the farm until he caught me and tanned my scrawny-ass hide...how's a kid get fat that way? Then I snuck out my bedroom window and ran to the pastor's house and banged away at his daughters - when I got older, his wife! I had to stay skinny to get through that window I'll tell you!

Did you know that there are girls that will only have anal sex with you because they want to stay virgins for their wedding night? That's what too much religion does to you - messes with your head! Say your prayers and go to church now and then, but for god's sake don't go overboard! WWJD? He'd have a beer and a steak and drive and SUV into a wall; then he'd walk out of the fireball and laugh his ass off. "You won't kill me this time!" he'd scream. How do I know? That's what I'd do. Then I'd go knock over a Mini-Mart just for the hellofit.

Happy New Year

2005-01-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Happy 2005! ?

I never thought I'd live this long. By rights I should've been dead long ago. This old cat's got some lives left I guess. To celebrate this year, Hunter S. and I drank enough Jack to drown a tiger and then we chased the dragon. I know it isn't the Year of the Dragon - hell maybe it is - let me google that...It's the Year of the Cock - fitting I guess. These two old cocks snorted some pile of something and I felt the couch starting to run out from under me. That damn Ghost of Burroughs was looking in the window again, so we unloaded a few rounds. Now I know you can't shoot a ghost, not with these bullets anyway, but it was still fun. We laughed 'til we peed our pants - just like little girls at a sleep-over.

The next day some Angels (Hell's) made us some flapjacks. Then we went back to sleep - a midwinter's sleep, warm under the blankets we stole from Kmart.

Stories From the Road: "Ring around the..."

2004-12-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Once backstage at Farm Aid #...hell I don't know, I was out of my skull. Anyway, Kris Kristofferson had an everything bagel with chunky peanut butter stuck to his..."Bobby McGee". All I can say is he got some sort of infection or rash or something, and had to be airlifted to the hospital. Boy that was funny. I haven't thought about that for years. Kris Kristofferson and I had a bit of a falling out, you could say. I am not even sure what it was about it was so long ago. I think it had something to do with him stealing my jelly doughnut.

If I remember correctly, that was the night Willy Nelson introduced me to the Dixie Chicks. I never did care for the terrorist one, but the other two are alright fillies in my book. Martie and Emily and I hit the back room and cleared the table of powder faster than Dan Rather can say, "I'm Sorry." I think Natalie was painting a flower tattoo on Michael Moore's ass in the other room, holding hands and smoking that green. I smoke good old American Marlboros thank you very much! My daughter was one of them hippies. We don't talk anymore. If she is reading this, I know we have had our differences and I know I shot your boyfriend, but he was black! What the hell did you think I'd do when you two pulled up in that damn volkswagon all red-eyed and smiling - I thought you joined a cult for chrissake! Your mother never smiled! She was a real woman...sorry. I wanna see my grandkids, Cat. Bring 'em by the ranch. You can bring Mark too - see I remember his name. I'm glad I was just shooting to wound. I wouldn't have killed him, you know that. Hell, why didn't you tell me he was related to Charley Pride in the first place?!

Shit, I got to kick these boots off and go to bed. Maybe this blog thing was a bad idea.

Words will never hurt me

2004-12-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

You know what an aarschgnoodle is? It's Pennsylvania German (aka Pennsylvania Dutch) for the globules of dung found on hair in the vicinity of the anus. There is a word in Spanish for the space between the eyebrows, but I can't remember what it is at the moment. I think that is a good word too. I think that the gypsies thought that if you had a unibrow, you could see fairies. That would come in handy sometimes!

2004-12-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

I took this pic while on tour. Don't remember where I was - I was out of my skull!

2004-12-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Here's the sonovabitch himself. Don't ask.

2004-12-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Here I am back in the early days. That's Miss Bullane. Pepsi was the sponser, but I prefer my Turkey Cokes with "the real thing".

2004-12-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

The Cowboy and the Cow should be friends.

Here is my good friend Philip T. after a show with "The Colonel" in his infamous cowsuit.

2004-12-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

FutureSlip
This is a picture of me taken in the year 2030 and sent to me from the future by one of my fans. I am Slip Whitsun, country music legend now living on my "Sun Whit" Ranch in Refuge, Montana. When I am not wrestlin' calves or the ladies, I'm livin' high on the hog on all the royalties from my classic country records I made in the 50's and 60's (and a failed attempt to cross-breed country with disco under the name Dr. Funken Krapp back in '77). A special thanks to Philip T. Hunter for covering some of my songs and introducing me to a whole new generation of fans (some of them pretty young fillies)! I enjoy calf ropin' and bull ridin' and drinkin' Turkey Cokes w/ a cherry served in a martini glass, oh, and did I mention I love the ladies? Please don't ask me about my feud with Kris Kristopherson...